I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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