oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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