On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
