My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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