Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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