I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
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Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
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He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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