We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
