Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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