You just made me feel so damn special
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
BRING THE BAGELS
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
