I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
