I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize