Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Randomize
