I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?