I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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