There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
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Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
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Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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