i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
