I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
