you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
