she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
