Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
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Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
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Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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