I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
