I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
