I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
