At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize