Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
