You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
