Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
