I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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