oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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