Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
