I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
now i know why i became what i already was.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
