i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Drunk is not a location!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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