My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
