i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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