Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
