Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
