Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
