If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
