are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
