You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
