Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
