dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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