I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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