So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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