Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
