Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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