i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
