We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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