Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
