You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
