Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
