No awkward lesbian experiences without me
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i will never coherently bang her
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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