Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
