rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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